we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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