I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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