dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
