Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
