Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
