i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
