is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
