i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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