the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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