What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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