Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize