'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
