We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
