Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
