Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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