You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
