I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just googled if crying burns calories
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
