Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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