I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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