Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize