It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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