Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
