When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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