John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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