You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
