Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
