upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
