Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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