I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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