Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
