You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I have fence marks all over my body
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
