I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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