dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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