i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
