I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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