hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
