i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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