i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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