i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
