things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
