now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
