At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
