she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
