my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
