I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
