I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
only you would photoshop your dick
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
