What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
