I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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