remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
