I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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