I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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