we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
