people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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