She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
