if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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