did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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