All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
