so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
