Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
