Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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