I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My cat gives me a boner
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
