she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
