he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
