highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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