I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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